Just jabbering

I am just rambling so ignore if you want. I have tried to get ahold of Patricks biological dad and the couple times I did, I chickened out on telling him the truth. Well, I finally did it. Now, I understand that its a huge thing and he needs time to think about it, but I am going crazy. He never said weather he even looked at the pics. I sent him a letter telling him about patrick and he never said a word. Well I lied he had commented that I leave his mom alone, for a while til he has time to think. I tried to explain its been years since we talked and I never called her she did me. I know I am reading to much into this and thinking the worse, but I let me heart think there was a chance he would be just ok with it all. Not want to take him but to get to know him. Now I am afraid he wants nothing to do with him or that he will fight me for him. I could not handle that it would kill me. I know it would. I have a hard time letting go for the summer, much less longer . I keep praying that god would not allow that. I mean I am all for Mike getting to know patrick, but not to the fact of me loosing him. I thew myself into the house work an dI have a feeling tomorrow will be full with the halloween decorations, just so I will not think about it. I am afraid to go to sleep and check my mail in the morning. I know I can not have things my way and even thought I would love that, it just is not reality. So, I am going to go and breathe and pray that, some how some way all of us do not get our hearts broken, and that I did the right thing.

Just talking

I hate getting sick and being sick. I hate being down and out and feeling like I am not in control. I mean I dont always like making choices, but I dont like staying in bed. Ok I lied, I just dont like laying in bed cause I have to. I feel like such a heal, I did not really clean house the last few days. I so enjoyed spending the time with Dan and since I was under the weather and Getting worse, its understandable, but still. Dan works hard so that I can stay home and I feel horrible when he comes home and the house is not clean. I had dishes to do and the sweeping and mopping did not get done. It was picked up and laundry was done and the bathroom was clean, and the vacuuming was done but still. There are tons of boxes in the dinning room, they are to donate but it still looks bad. I did cook dinner every night he was home and his laundry got done. I even had lots of leftovers and I sent them with him on the truck.
Halloween is coming and I do not look forward to getting out all the decorations and doing it. That sounds so bad I know but I just dont wanna. I feel I have so much on my plate now, that I dont want to put it out and then take it all down. I think I will feel better if I do, I mean I LOVE HALLOWEEN. Not for the "evil" people think it holds. I think its great for kids to dress up use there imagination and have fun. I think we need more safe places for the kids to do the trick or treating. I know alot of malls do it and some churches do it. Patrick is just about to the age that he just says buy the candy and I will help you pass it out if you buy me my own stuff.
This will be our first christmas that we will have with OUR stuff and a house to use it. OH crap reminds me, I need to make more Iceicles and such and get them out to my mom. Plus I need to get her wrap done and Dans blanket started and done. Plus I need to find the sewing machine and get her other blanket done. I have one I want to do for her that has the grandkids picture on it. So when she is sitting watching TV, or reading she can cover up and still see her grandkids. Then I need to print tons of pictures so I can scrap book a few and the others put in albums. I have one for mom, grandpa, Anne (patricks other grandma) and maybe one for my aunt, she would love it. OH, you know I should make her a lap blanket, if I have time. I will suggest it to mom and say its from both of us. She would love that.
Well, Patrick just finished practicing his trumpet and he likes watching a few shows with me, so I will start those ice cycles, I should do some snow ball type snow flakes.

over 30 crowd

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking 25 miles to school every morning ...uphill BOTH ways,yadda, yadda, yaddaAnd I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 30, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and"asteroids." Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards,The over 30 Crowd

Generation X

(I didn't write this, but I did find this wonderful little gem buried deep in the archives of an old email account)

Don't call me a Generation X-er. I am a child of the Seventies and theEighties.That is what I prefer to be called. The Nineties can do without me.Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle, and "Generation X" is amyth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wearflannel in the summer.When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hoursplaying Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. Inever did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was aGoddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in theback of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy.I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played armywith G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots andDecepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows andVelveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up onSaturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like"The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman" and "SpaceGhost." Inbetween, I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction,what's your function?"). On weeknights, Daisy Duke was my future wife.I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out theback. Why did they weld the doors shut?At the movies, the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming upwith the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of theCovenant, and I wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No; there isanother."Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds inMoscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico andcollected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.)My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel, we foundcreative uses for Connect Four pieces, like throwing them in that bigair-conditioning unit.I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses forJack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of hisdreams: red, gold and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "YouCan't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed MikeTyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Headof the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow.I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like tobe a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident.Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfastanymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put athousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, andfilled my Snoopy thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat thesnack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese-and-crackersnack packs, and I ate those.I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday.Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair withthe working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about musicand plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger thanChristmas, but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybodymiserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did allthose panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la lala la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubberband fightswere cooler. A substitute teacher was a marked woman. Nobody deservedthat. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but I never managedto win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award, but I don'tremember ever doing anything.The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends'parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started,but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer.Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put allthis stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff soundsfamiliar, then I bet you are one, too. We are Children of theEighties. That is what I prefer "they" call us.We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; infact, we think we know just where we stand--or are discovering it as wespeak.We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were justbuilding blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissorsthat never really cut. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were theway to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city.Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for youto be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be atent in the forest. Your world was the back yard and it was all youneeded. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back upto you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glovelike Michael Jackson's.Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and TheBangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with theGhostbusters and still look to "The Goonies" for a great adventure. Weflip through TV stations and stop at "The A Team" and "Knight Rider" and"Fame" and laugh with "The Cosby Show" and "Family Ties" and "PunkyBrewster," and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affectionsfor "The Muppets" and "The Gummy Bears," and why did they take theSmurfs off the air? After-school specials were only about cigarettesand step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, andaren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, TheBobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and theElectric Company.Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and Friendship pinswent on shoes--preferably hightop Velcro Reebox--and pegged jeans werein, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams andcharm necklaces and side ponytails and just tails. Rave was a girl'sbest friend; braces with colored rubberbands made youcool. The back door was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid tothe neighborhood kids. Never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap andlasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and anapron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop;Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed totrip someone. In your Underoos, you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man orR2D2, and in your treehouse, you were king.In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president wasshot? "Star Wars" was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bombshelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man?We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and boughtpieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number onekiller In the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. Inthe Eighties, we re-defined the American Dream, and those years definedus. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and notturning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it'sthat idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children--thefirst children of the twenty-first century.If this is familiar, you are one of us. . . . Pass it on to all theothers. . . .Written By:
Unknown

Where would I be

I was sitting here thinking on how things are going in my life. All the things I wanted or said I would do in my life. I am so thankful for the things I do have. I have a husband who loves me. Even if we fight and there are times I just dont know if we will ever make it. He does something or says something to make me remeber whey I love him. I have an amazing Son, he is so sweet and smart and talented. I would love to have another child, I want a girl. If decitions we not made and mistakes gone to far, I might have that little girl. I can not go back and change what happened, I can only move forward. Dan and I have thought about adoption, and we would love to adopt a baby. When insurance kicks in I will make sure I am health and we will also look into donors.
Dan drives truck, and is gone for long periods of time, I am thankful that he works and he is ok that I am a stay at home mom.
I have been going threw the things we brought back from Texas, and of the things I have gone threw I have donated or thrown away almost 95% of it. I have said I do not want to move that crap again. Plus you can only use so much. I feel so much better, now that I can let go of alot of it and see I was holding on to way to much. I have a few obsesions Like my elephants. I know evryone has a totem and I know mine is an elephant. I feel a peace with them around, I feel a sence of comfort to be able to look at them and have them around.
I guess it could be worse, I could be ossessed with drugs or drinking. Yeah I like having a drink now again, but I do not do it all the time, and I dont do it to get drunk.
I guess I am taking the day to reflect, and even though I am not where I thought I would be, or doing what I thoughtI would do in life. I am happy, and thankful and loved. That is a great place to be.