taking a breather

UGH..... I wanna cry our scream, I feel all bottled up inside. I take on so much and its catching up to me. The holiday season is here and my plate was already full now I got to make room for turkey and stuffing. I have so many projects and instead of finishing one I bounce from one to another. Then someone walks up and asks "whats for dinner". Thats when I realize there is just one more thing to do, oh wait add cleaning the frig and the list goes on.
I am trying to look after myself and every time I close to doing so, something comes up. Granted I let it take priority over me seeing a dr. some is cause I'm scared the other is why do for myself when I can do for my family.
I sit here knowing I have applesauce to can and a room to clean dinner to make and my anxiety builds.
I pray that a little meatloaf and this short second will get me thru the next little bit.

Canning Fool

Thats how I feel lately. I have canned so much and have more to do. I've done stewed tomatoes, pickles, beets, jellies, salsa. I have more tomatoes, salsa, jam, apple sauce, turnips, beets, and I am sure I will find more to do.
I finally got halloween put away and I am working on the mounds of laundry. Dan got me a dryer, since its becoming cold this had been a blessing. My vacuum of 5 years finally decided to stop working right. My loving husband got me a very nice bagless vacuum and after using it, I realize how much my old one did not work.
I feel so lost, I am way behind on house work and everything else, I am drowning in this back up. There are days I just want to stay in bed. I feel guilty for not taking the paper route, but my gut said it was not right. That does not change the fact I feel like I am pulling my weight. Yes, for the most part the house is clean andI am helping by canning but it does not pay the bills.
I have let my health slip and yeah I have health insurance but I have not gone, due to me wanting to save money. So, I suffer in silence just so noone gives me a hard time. If they only knew what I lived with everyday. I know if I list right it would help alot, and I was 208 for a long time and my surprise I am 205. Yeah Me !
I can smell apples which means they are ready to make applesauce.

Just Keep Swims

There are days I feel like Dory. Like today when I think I have my dryer fixed and then I realize its still only working when it wants. My blessing is the day turned out better so I am hanging clothes on the line. I can sew not great mind you but simple things like an a line skirt I can do. I got my small sewing machine out and it hates the fabric I am using. I can't get my big machine out of storage so I either hot glue it or go to my back up. We have a wedding in a few days and I am so not ready, I sit and wonder if the bride feels the same way. I know she has been so busy, I really hope these last few days can be calm for her. I have days that I can write this huge blog in my head and when I get a chance to blog I have nothing to say. It might seem I complain alot but I really do feel blessed. We might not have all those fancy things or take fancy trips but what we do have we enjoy. We got insurance turned in so by Aug we should be covered. That means I get to have both Dan and I checked out and try for a baby. There are alot of people who don't support us in having another child but there is do many who do. I look at it as its our choice. Well I got to check on laundry and get things done.

The Rabbit Hole

There are days I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Life taking its own little twists and turns. I am chasing a white rabbit, and I am not sure where he will lead me.
I have all these plans and make lists to get things done and it never gets done. I can encourage other to follow their dreams but can not find the motivation of my own. I always pictured myself as a mom and wife. That if I had to work it would be with children. I sit here and think how my baby will be 15 soon and is getting his permit and I wonder where the time went. What and where do I go from here? What if even after we get insurance we don't have that baby my heart so desperately craves. I find I am full of "What Ifs", "What Nows".
Am I holding myself back from greatness because I am to afraid to step out of my safe little box. Do I do something good for the family, when in my heart it feels wrong? Why when a good thing comes do I not follow thru? I am not one to wish for what others have or to keep up with the Jones's. Most I know who have things I would like work hard for it and they deserve it. I do sometimes wish I had their courage or strength even ambition for myself so I could achieve my own goal and things I would like in life.
Please don't get me wrong I love my life, I just want to make changes in myself. I know how truely blessed I am. I have the best most supportive, encouraging, loving husband. He accepts me for who I am, he works hard so I can stay home and be a mom. He spoils me and and still loves me when I get crazy, when not many others could. I have a smart, loving son who makes me smile. I am very proud to say he is mine. He keeps me on my toes, but compared to alot of others he is an amazing teenager. I have a best friend who is more like a sister, who amazes me every day. I learn how to be a better mom and person from her. She is so busy but always finds time for me. I have other family and friends who are just as supportive. I know I am blessed, and I am thankful.
I guess its one of those things, I wish I could see in myself what others see in me.

domestic goddess

It's been forever since I blogged guess I lost my way .
That or I got lost in my house of stuff. Dont get me wrong
I love my things and my life, but I realize I don't need alot
of it and what I do have needs to be organized. I think my
goal for the summer is just that.
Most summers I could be found on the truck exploring
the us with my husband. This year Patrick decided he wants
to spends more time home. He its growing up fast, I am
going to enjoy my time with him, but I will miss my time
on the truck too.
Dan changed jobs so he gets the miles and time home so
it means camping and boating. We are working on getting a
bigger trailer. We are also getting a car that I can drive now
and Patrick can drive later. Its weird thinking my baby is going
to be driving soon.
For those who know we have been trying for a baby, well
when insurance kicks in we are trying again. It's something
we ready want and are running out of time for. A few prayers
and a little baby dust might be needed.
I sit on our bed with laundry piled around me that needs to
be put away, a chore list a mile long and projects backing up.
Still I sit here thinking how nice it would be to sit in a hammock
after a day on the lake, smelling dinner on the grill listening to
nature stuck out in the woods. I am ready for summer no more
getting up taking patrick to school or school project. Only 3 more
days. Also in 3 days Dan will be home for a few days.
I put laundry off long enough.

beyond peeved

I am so sick and Tired of bitting my tongue. I understand my mom's best friend does not like me. That is fine she does not have to but I am still a human and I still deserve some respect. I am tired of her treating me like crap and I am just expected to be ok with it.
I never say a word because mom lives with her but hell I am so tired of it. Just wait til mom is here and she trys calling for my mom. Then I can be snotty to her too.
Ok I am sure I have tons more to witch about but right now I am way to peeved to write.

Love

We went to a funeral yesterday and even though I saw my mom go threw all that this man did, it was so different. I can not explain exactly why but there was so much almost more hurt, maybe becasue i saw it from someone elses eyes and I was not in the middle of it. I would like to think that even though it hurts and I still miss my dad despertly that i am becoming at peace with it.
This man showed such strength he stood up and gave the life schetch of his wife, and did so well that i could have listened to him talk about her for hours. I had never met his wife, but I felt as I knew her and she was such a wonderful compassionate woman.
It really made me step back and look at things and my life. I love my husband and since my mistake this year I realize how much more I need him in my life because he is my bestfriend. I have wonderful girlfriends and ones I consider my sisters. They are ones when something happens I run to them cause i can not wait to share my life with them. Its different when you have a husband. He is the one who holds you when something is wrong. He is the one who open doors for you and makes you feel , extra special. The one you let see you cry, or the one who holds you when your sick. Who holds your hand so you dont fall, and kisses it better when you do.
Even though he can inferiate you and drive you nuts, you would never change the feeling you have when you lay next to him at night and fall asleep in his arm.
Its then in life you realize you both give up a dream or two for each other. That you know all your life your heart will ache for a child with him, because you want to look into their eyes and know that is the child you made from love. We can adopt and still love that child just as much, and if that is what god has in store for us well, bring on this child for us to bring into our hearts and home.
I never gave a child that chance one and i never realized until it was to late that even though the child was not concieved out of love but it was concieved out of love for that child. I will forever regrete the choice i made and the child who never got the chance to be love. I live with the hurt that because of be blind to life that choice was made.
I have so much hurt and angry and resentment towards so many that I am trying too find forgiveness, and I find it hard for those I harbor the most towards has hurt the ones I love. How do you look past that? I ask that God finds a way to rech into my heart and help me forgive.
I want the best for all those I love and somewher ein there I will find the way to want that for myself. That one day I can look at myself and say I want that for me. Then find the strength to get it, but for now I will take it one day at a time and be happy and greatful for those wonderful things I do have.
God Bless and Blessed Be

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXwWT2Chx64