beyond peeved

I am so sick and Tired of bitting my tongue. I understand my mom's best friend does not like me. That is fine she does not have to but I am still a human and I still deserve some respect. I am tired of her treating me like crap and I am just expected to be ok with it.
I never say a word because mom lives with her but hell I am so tired of it. Just wait til mom is here and she trys calling for my mom. Then I can be snotty to her too.
Ok I am sure I have tons more to witch about but right now I am way to peeved to write.

Love

We went to a funeral yesterday and even though I saw my mom go threw all that this man did, it was so different. I can not explain exactly why but there was so much almost more hurt, maybe becasue i saw it from someone elses eyes and I was not in the middle of it. I would like to think that even though it hurts and I still miss my dad despertly that i am becoming at peace with it.
This man showed such strength he stood up and gave the life schetch of his wife, and did so well that i could have listened to him talk about her for hours. I had never met his wife, but I felt as I knew her and she was such a wonderful compassionate woman.
It really made me step back and look at things and my life. I love my husband and since my mistake this year I realize how much more I need him in my life because he is my bestfriend. I have wonderful girlfriends and ones I consider my sisters. They are ones when something happens I run to them cause i can not wait to share my life with them. Its different when you have a husband. He is the one who holds you when something is wrong. He is the one who open doors for you and makes you feel , extra special. The one you let see you cry, or the one who holds you when your sick. Who holds your hand so you dont fall, and kisses it better when you do.
Even though he can inferiate you and drive you nuts, you would never change the feeling you have when you lay next to him at night and fall asleep in his arm.
Its then in life you realize you both give up a dream or two for each other. That you know all your life your heart will ache for a child with him, because you want to look into their eyes and know that is the child you made from love. We can adopt and still love that child just as much, and if that is what god has in store for us well, bring on this child for us to bring into our hearts and home.
I never gave a child that chance one and i never realized until it was to late that even though the child was not concieved out of love but it was concieved out of love for that child. I will forever regrete the choice i made and the child who never got the chance to be love. I live with the hurt that because of be blind to life that choice was made.
I have so much hurt and angry and resentment towards so many that I am trying too find forgiveness, and I find it hard for those I harbor the most towards has hurt the ones I love. How do you look past that? I ask that God finds a way to rech into my heart and help me forgive.
I want the best for all those I love and somewher ein there I will find the way to want that for myself. That one day I can look at myself and say I want that for me. Then find the strength to get it, but for now I will take it one day at a time and be happy and greatful for those wonderful things I do have.
God Bless and Blessed Be

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXwWT2Chx64

Puppy Love

So, above is Patrick girlfriend and her best friend. Danni is on the right and Micela is on the left. When Patrick got home today I found out she had broke up with him. Saying he is not nice to her family and friends. Mainly it is Micela, they teese each other and give each other a hard time. I think some has to do with the fact Patricks best friend was going out with Micela and she broke up with him. So, I think Micela covinced Danni to do the same. Who knows its puppy love and its sweet. I feel bad cause Patrick really likes her, so we will see what happens in the next few days. They have a in school dance next thursday and then friday is there last day. He leave the 9th for cali, and I am going to miss him.

So....

I have not figured out why I made another appointment for my teeth the same week I am moving or why I am going to let that Dentist in my mouth again. You ever feel like they expect you to be part snake and dislocate your jaw for them. That and my natural reaction is to take my tongue and mess with my teeth.
Then your sitting in the chair granted Tom and Jerry was on I just close my eyes cause I would flip out if I saw what they were putting in my mouth. Mom always said dont use your teeth to open things and such and here I am letting someone put power tools in there.
I just love it when they start talking to each other and other people passing in the halls like you are not even there. Not that I was in the mood to carry on a conversation with them at that point.
So, I was REALLY numb and cause of this, at some point I bit my cheak and now that is what hurts most. Well a side from the awkward way the filling feels. I am sure its not bess to mess with it but hey, I have alsways messed with my teeth its not gonna stop now.
Poor Patrick I realized it has taken forever for a couple teeth to come in and he has one that is a little turned so, now I am gonna make him an appointment. He's not to happy with me but hey, start him now so He has that wonderful teeth to go with his awsome smile.
I did not get moving in I was too busy paying bills and getting my teeth done to even think about it. I have several stuff in boxes and it should go fast. To save time I have cleaned as I clean this out. I did get all the extra blankets and stuff done. Dan will be home tomorrow and so I am gonna get alot of the little things out of the way so he can help me or well i should say I can help him move the big stuff. Last time there was snow and I could slide alot of it but not this time, plus there is alot farther to walk.
I am so excited to get in there and start making it the home we love. I found out on no terms can I apint unless it is WHITE. So, I will make up for it in curtains and pictures and maybe get some new things to make it nice. Hey I did not want to paint anyways.
I figured out my "I want to plant, but will be gone for the summer issue" I am a arizona girl, and catus live threw almost anything. I love the succulant type, So we can get some of that and still have green around the house. I am looking into getting some of the wild rebarb that grows here and replanting that too. I also know the tulips and a couple other grow great and will rebloom after winter so I might try that too. I might even venture into some house plants ( the real ones) at some point and time. If you know me I dont have a huge green thumb.
Ok, well I am gonna go clean up some and head to bed I am tired, and there is so much left to do. Thanks for reading.

opps

I realize today reading my friends blog that I have not blogged in forever. I mainly got this to add comments to her page and a few others. I have not yet figured out how to make mine fancy, I guess I will have to take the time to do so. I also realized my other web page is really out dated. It seems the only one I can keep updated is Myspace. I either need top quit the others or get on the ball.
I know once this move is done that I am going to change some habits and really start to put things in order. I need to choose what is more important. I know lately I have spent more time with my son realizing at 12 almost 13 he does not want to spend as much time with mom. I have been blessed with the Time I have had and I am glad he is getting friends he can trust and have fun with. About now is when I broke out of my shell and started hanging out with friends more.

why think the worst

Why because I get a burst of energy and I am sick and tired of looking at the mess in the garage, would one think I am on Diet Pills. I dont pop those like other people. I am sorry if I feel like the garage is the only place I feel I can be me except for my room. I feel like when she is up staits with her boyfriend that I am the one who is a roommate and invading their space.
I think I am going crazy........ Arizona sounds real good about now.......

just today

Its been a long day, and I just got up, but I went to bed at 4:30 am. Its the only ime I feel my house is really mu house. Its sad when you have to stay up late just to feel at home. Do not get me wrong its better then not having anyone here and babbling but its hard when you have screaming girls. The girls dont feel they have to listen to mom much so they scream to get what they want and do what they want. When mom is not here they are pretty good. The other thing is she uses her boyfriend to watch the girls if he is here she either does not watch them or she has him do it.
I believe in a clean house but not when it means ignoring your children to do it. That or wait til they all are screaming bloody murder to see what is wrong.
We had to show our house the other night and I am not sure if they were really interested, but if we have to move it might be a good thing. If not I might be talking to someone about getting a place. it might wait til we can help her out and if she gets a job, we will see.
we have been doing alot to help her get on her feet and I am hoping soon something happens, I love her and the girls but I will not live a long time like this. I think everyone deserves a fair chance and if I can help out I will gladly, but not forever at some time you have to help yourself.

Really find out about yourself

When you live with someone you find out alot about yourself. I find that I am the trouble in the house. I guess I put up an air that I am better then everyone else. I dont know what to think. I know while fighting a horrible head cold I had a kidney stone that I was trying to pass. The pain is horrible and I finally broke down and went to ER and they put me on meds and said strain your pee and it should pass. It was a 4 something one. Well I did as directed and on wednesday night I eneded up in ER again. A week and a half later. They said I had passed it sometime that night and I should not have felt the pain but I did. After being a human pin custion I was not in so much pain. Let me tell you a IV put in the upper arm by your arm pit HURTS !!! My roommate thought I was faking the pain, I think but I am not one to go to ER unless it is uncontrollable. I think When I am puking my dinner and everything I ate for days because of the pain, I am not faking.
We had someone come look at the house, I really hope they are not selling it from under us, maybe it would be a good thing cause our roomate might have to find her own place and things might get a little normal around here. Its hard when you have screaming children alot.
I know what I did was the right thing but hey, its not always a easy choice. I think I have been pretty good up to now, and I think I need credit, cause I live like a prisonor in my own home, and I hate coming home when I am away. That has to mean something. I mean its my house and I think I need to take it back, and not feel like I am living in someone elses place. Yeah I know I am all talk, I will do what I always do, hide my head abd back down. I guess that is what you get when your mom has you fear everything in life.
My roomate has has boyfriend over and I guess she has not learned to be quiet, and the whole house knows she is getting some.