The Rabbit Hole

There are days I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Life taking its own little twists and turns. I am chasing a white rabbit, and I am not sure where he will lead me.
I have all these plans and make lists to get things done and it never gets done. I can encourage other to follow their dreams but can not find the motivation of my own. I always pictured myself as a mom and wife. That if I had to work it would be with children. I sit here and think how my baby will be 15 soon and is getting his permit and I wonder where the time went. What and where do I go from here? What if even after we get insurance we don't have that baby my heart so desperately craves. I find I am full of "What Ifs", "What Nows".
Am I holding myself back from greatness because I am to afraid to step out of my safe little box. Do I do something good for the family, when in my heart it feels wrong? Why when a good thing comes do I not follow thru? I am not one to wish for what others have or to keep up with the Jones's. Most I know who have things I would like work hard for it and they deserve it. I do sometimes wish I had their courage or strength even ambition for myself so I could achieve my own goal and things I would like in life.
Please don't get me wrong I love my life, I just want to make changes in myself. I know how truely blessed I am. I have the best most supportive, encouraging, loving husband. He accepts me for who I am, he works hard so I can stay home and be a mom. He spoils me and and still loves me when I get crazy, when not many others could. I have a smart, loving son who makes me smile. I am very proud to say he is mine. He keeps me on my toes, but compared to alot of others he is an amazing teenager. I have a best friend who is more like a sister, who amazes me every day. I learn how to be a better mom and person from her. She is so busy but always finds time for me. I have other family and friends who are just as supportive. I know I am blessed, and I am thankful.
I guess its one of those things, I wish I could see in myself what others see in me.